“I got up in the middle of the night and there was a puddle in my bed. You don’t know how relieved I was to find out the roof was leaking.”
-Sophia
Everyone’s on edge as the roof is leaking in multiple places. Blanche calls a repairman, who tells them a patch job isn’t going to be enough: they need a new roof, which is going to cost $10,000. They decide to go with the patch job.
Sophia goes off to her shift volunteering at the hospital, and Blanche invites Dorothy and Rose to an art show featuring the work of renowned artist Jasper DeKimmel. Dorothy and Rose look at the brochure and don’t really understand his art. Blanche tries to explain a piece to them.
“You see, now, for instance, this splash of color, of red, across the bottom, well, that represents the setting sun, and this jagged blue line, now, that signifies the ocean. Then this spot of orange up here in the corner, that stands for the planets and man’s eternal struggle against nature and the elements.”
“No, it doesn’t, Blanche; that’s where I put my Creamsicle down this afternoon when I answered the phone.”
-Blanche and Rose
All four Girls head to the art show. Sophia taunts a mime. Jasper DeKimmel himself approaches the other three Girls as they view his art, and insults their dress sense and grasp of his art. He proclaims them idiots and storms away.
Back at home, the leaks in the roof are getting worse, and they realize that somehow, they need to come up with $10,000. It’s going to take a lot of sacrifice, but they think they can get close with retirement money, life insurance, and stocks.
Sophia gets home from her volunteer shift at the hospital, and it’s been a rough day for her, too. She had to work with the meanest patient she’s ever met, a man with two weeks to live: Jasper DeKimmel. The Girls realize that when he dies, the value of his works will skyrocket. As long as no one else knows he’s dying, they can buy a painting at the upcoming DeKimmel auction and resell it for a huge profit.
“Hold on, here, hold on. We’re behaving like vultures, like beasts of prey. I mean, girls, come on. DeKimmel is a dying man. Do we really want to profit from his misfortune?”
“It would be immoral.”
“We’d hate ourselves.”
“What time’s the auction?”
-Dorothy, Blanche, Rose, and Sophia
Nobody can sleep that night, and at four in the morning, they all make their way to the kitchen. They’re consumed by guilt, except for Sophia, who isn’t bothered. She has a hard time convincing the other Girls to feel the same way.
“I don’t have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money. I’ve got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey, but that really comes under the heading of lust.”
-Sophia
They arrive at the auction and hijinks ensue as they accidentally bid on items they don’t mean to until the DeKimmel piece comes up. They try to play it cool to keep the bidding down and end up accidentally bidding against each other until they finally win the piece for $9000. They call Sophia to let her know the good news, but she has bad news: they found a blood donor, and it’s Sophia herself.
The roof repairman shows up to get started, but the Girls can no longer afford the roof. The repairman spots the DeKimmel, and Blanche asks if they can make a deal: the painting for the roof.
“You’re kidding.”
“Of course she’s kidding. That painting means everything to me; I could never part with it.”
“Sophia! Are you crazy?”
“Crazy about DeKimmel.”
“Ma’am, would you be insulted if I made you an offer for that painting?”
“Please, I’m insulted by that shirt you’re wearing. That doesn’t mean we can’t do business. Talk to me, Sidney.”
-Sid, Sophia, and Rose
Sophia manages to get Sid to offer a new roof with a 5 year warranty, and then keeps going, telling him she wants $2500 in cash, which she soon ups to $3000 and threatens to raise even higher.
“Now you’re watching a real artist at work.”
-Dorothy
High points: Sophia’s haggling skills, the Girls not having to take advantage of a dying man.
Things that don’t age well: I would freak out at an auction, honestly.
MVP: Sophia, savior of lives and roofs.
The verdict: This is not an especially noteworthy episode, but has very good points, and the Girls win in the end.
Bae Arthur 