“Girls, quick. I need some advice.”
“Wear half as much makeup and twice as much underwear. Take it as a standing recommendation.”
-Blanche and Sophia
Rose comes home from her football coaching job, complaining about how lazy her team is. A couple of them come in to give her something she left behind, and it turns out they’re small children. She’s beginning to realize that this job is more work than she anticipated. She asks Dorothy to become her assistant.
“Forget it, forget it. I don’t want to get involved in sports with you. No, Rose, you’re too competitive. You just take all the fun out of it.”
“Oh, not anymore, Dorothy, really, believe me, all I care about is that these kids have a really good time.”
“Well, all right. I mean, if you really mean it, you can count me in.”
“Oh, great! Oh, with your help, Dorothy, we’ll kick their butts! We’ll chew ’em up and spit ’em out! We’ll make ’em eat dirt for breakfast… because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.”
-Dorothy and Rose
Blanche tries to rush out of the house, but Dorothy stops her, knowing she must be off to meet Tom Gallagher, a man who stands Blanche up all the time and isn’t worth her time according to Dorothy. She admits she’s in a dating slump, and would rather have someone bad than no one.
At the bar, Blanche gets bad news from the bartender: Tom’s stood her up again. The man beside her strikes up a conversation, having also been stood up tonight. He introduces himself as John, and they commiserate. He says he wants to take a break from dating for a while, and she decides to do so as well, but after chatting a little, she slips him her number before leaving. He leaves not long after she does, and the bartender hands him his cane before he does, revealing that John is a blind man.
Back at home, the coaches weigh the kids to make sure all are at least 70 pounds, though one kid cheats by holding a textbook—a scheme he took from Rose.
“Rose, rules were made for people like Billy. Little bodies don’t like it when big bodies fall on them.”
“Which is why Raymond Burr never married.”
-Dorothy and Sophia
After the kids leave, Blanche comes out, dressed for a date with John. She’s excited to date someone who isn’t a scumbag. John shows up and Blanche dashes back into her room to finish getting married; the other Girls realize that he’s blind.
“How do you do, John? I’m Dorothy, I’m Blanche’s other roommate.”
“Hello, Dorothy.”
“And I’m her gorgeous, 22-year-old cousin. Hey, how many chances do I get?”
-Dorothy, John, and Sophia
Blanche is taken by surprise when she comes out and sees him with his cane, and makes a few verbal gaffes, but they head out nonetheless.
Rose continues to try to coach the team, though the team isn’t quite ready for her techniques.
“I’ve got a question, Coach Rose. Am I an X or an O?”
“You’re an O, Freddy. The other team is Xs and you’re all Os.”
“It’s easy to remember. It’s the number of points you scored this season.”
-Freddy, Rose, and Sophia
Rose starts to turn the team against Dorothy for keeping Billy out of the game; they don’t stand a chance without him. Dorothy’s tired of it, and she’s starting to feel sick, too.
Blanche has been seeing John every night for a week, and the other Girls tell her how lucky she is. In spite of this, when old news Tom Gallagher calls her, she tells him she’d love to meet for drinks tonight, which means canceling plans with John. Dorothy and Rose are shocked; Blanche finally tells them she doesn’t think she can possibly make things work with a blind man, and storms away.
Rose and Dorothy come down with a full-on flu, and try a home remedy from Sophia. They think they’ll have to forfeit the game, but Sophia tells them they can’t. She’s taking over coaching duties.
“That was a real sweet thing for Sophia to do.”
“I know.”
“But if she loses, I’ll punch her stinking heart out.”
-Rose and Dorothy
Blanche tries to explain the previous evening’s outburst to Rose and Dorothy. With John, she couldn’t rely on her looks to feel secure, and couldn’t understand what John liked about her. They tell her she needs to talk to John, and she agrees.
Sophia gives the kids one last pep talk and sends them onto the field. She talks to Billy, who still can’t play, and feeds him a meatball and pepper sandwich to fatten him up a couple of pounds.
Blanche heads to a restaurant where John has a meeting, and promises not to take too much of his time. She explains her concerns, and he understands, offering to call her Monday.
When she gets home, Dorothy and Rose are on the couch, and Sophia comes back with the team.
“Make way for the victors!”
“You won the big game?”
“No, Rose, we lost, and we all changed our names to Victor.”
-Sophia and Rose
The team is triumphant, and Billy even got to play after that sandwich. Their coaches are thrilled at their win. Sophia explains that the key to victory was the Statue of Mussolini play she taught them.
“Everybody piles on the star quarterback on the first play, and then he’s out for the rest of the game.”
“Ma, Ma, that is a mean, underhanded, despicable thing to do!”
“So was World War II. We’re talking about Mussolini!”
-Sophia and Dorothy
High points: Rose’s competitive spirit, Blanche actually dating a nice guy and not completely messing it up. Also, I want one of those sandwiches.
Things that don’t age well: Blanche’s cringe-worthy scene upon learning that John is blind.
MVP: Rose, for showing that she can play dirty.
The verdict: It’s nice to have an independent, self-assured blind man as a counterpoint to Rose’s constantly terrified blind sister from season 1, but this isn’t the most interesting episode. Maybe he’s a little too stable.
Bae Arthur 