“Dorothy Zbornak, have I got a man for you!”
“No thanks, had one.”
-Blanche and Dorothy
Sophia and Rose quietly sip cups of morning coffee as Blanche enters the kitchen. She’s just scored a date with a tennis coach for tonight, but forgot that her Big Daddy’s baby brother is flying in that night.
“It doesn’t sound like a dilemma at all.”
“You know, Rose, you’re right. Family you can see anytime, but a one night stand only happens one night.”
-Rose and Blanche
She tries to figure out who to pawn off Uncle Lucas on, but Rose is appalled. Sophia suggests she con Dorothy into it. When Dorothy wakes up, she’s in no mood to grant Blanche favors for her hick relatives, but convinces her that Uncle Lucas is dying to meet her.
“Women like me don’t grow on trees.”
“Too bad, we could use the shade.”
-Dorothy and Sophia
Lucas and Dorothy’s night starts out awkwardly, and then they each realizes that Blanche has told the other the same story to go out on a date. They’re both relieved to find that there are no expectations after all, and decide that Blanche can’t get away with this: they’re going to pretend to get engaged.
“I have to admit, there’s a certain genius to it.”
“Are you kidding? A Brooklyn Italian living in Hollingsworth Manor?”
“Wait a minute, how did you know I was a Brooklyn Italian?”
“That’s how Blanche refers to you in her letters.”
-Dorothy and Lucas
The next morning, Dorothy is in a great mood as she tells Blanche how wonderful the date was. Lucas then shows up with flowers for Dorothy, much to Blanche’s shock.
“I was afraid that I’d never see you again.”
“Never see me again? I’d buy a julep for the ghost of General Grant before I’d let that happen.”
“Oh, I was hoping you’d say that.”
-Dorothy and Lucas
He fake-proposes to her, and Dorothy fake-accepts. Blanche tries to pry them apart.
“No! No! No, no, no! No! What in hell is wrong with you two? But you just, you just… I don’t know what to say.”
“Well, whatever you decide, make sure you start with ‘Aunt Dorothy.’”
-Blanche and Dorothy
Dorothy and Lucas are over-the-top cheesy as Blanche shrieks. Sophia’s just happy to learn that Lucas is rich and motherless.
At night in the kitchen, Blanche can’t believe everyone else is so calm when she’s going to lose her life in Hollingsworth Manor. Rose is upset, too.
“Look, if anybody has a right to complain, it’s me. When Dorothy gets married, think about this, she’ll be a Hollingsworth. Lucas and Blanche are already Hollingsworth. Sophia will be a Hollingsworth-in-law. Everybody will be related but me.”
“Now, that’s what I call family planning.”
-Rose and Sophia
Blanche is not going to sit idly by while this wedding takes place, and tries to sway the other Girls to her side, too, pointing out to Sophia that they may not even want her around.
Later, Dorothy accompanies Lucas to a hardware convention, though they plan to say they were somewhere else. They get caught up in deciding what to pretend, and Lucas kisses Dorothy.
Later still, in front of Blanche, Lucas and Dorothy talk about remodeling Hollingsworth Manor.
“Haven’t seen too much of you this trip, sugar plum.”
“That’s because you’ve been too busy Yankee doodling.”
“Blanche, I’m sure you don’t mean that. You’ll feel differently when you come to the hoedown we’re throwing on the anniversary of Lee’s surrender.”
-Lucas, Blanche, and Dorothy
Meanwhile, Sophia shows up in a getup she apparently thinks fits a Southern housewife or something like it, and Rose has an announcement: she’s going to move in with Kirsten since Dorothy’s leaving. Blanche is distraught, and Dorothy realizes this has gone too far. Lucas suggests they break up in front of Blanche so they don’t have to tell her they’ve been lying to her. Lucas tells her, though, that it’s not going to be easy to fake a fight; he’s been having a great time. She reciprocates. Blanche listens.
As Sophia brings out drinks, Blanche apologizes to Dorothy and Lucas for doubting their relationship, calling their love a miracle. Lucas then asks Dorothy to marry him—for real. She accepts.
“Is it my stroke, or did they do this already?”
Two months later, Dorothy and Lucas come home to what seems like an empty house, only to find themselves ambushed by a Polaroid-toting Sophia. She’s thrilled about them, and about coming to live with them in Atlanta.
“I can see how close the two of you are, and how close you are to Rose and Blanche.”
“We’ve all learned a lot from each other. I mean, Ma taught me life does not end because you’ve reached a certain age, and I’ve become much more comfortable with my sexuality because of Blanche. And Rose has taught me… Rose has taught me…”
“It’s not important.”
“No, wait, I can do this. Rose has taught me…”
“Let it go.”
“I need some time with this. Anyway, because of them, I feel that I’m ready to love you. A square knot! Rose taught me how to tie a square knot.”
-Lucas and Dorothy
Sophia, meanwhile, shows up for more paparazzo shots.
“You know, I think he’s just nuts enough to actually turn up at the wedding tomorrow.”
“You’re a furry little gnome, and we feed you too much.”
-Sophia and Dorothy
As it’s their final night together, Blanche and Rose try to say goodbye, but Dorothy doesn’t want to make the night sad. Blanche and Rose don’t sleep well, and run into each other on the lanai. Rose wants to say goodbye, to everyone, and is upset that Dorothy won’t let her.
“You know what? Dorothy’s not here right now.”
“Yeah. And if she was, what’s the worst thing she could do to us?”
“Right. Can she intimidate us?”
“Could she physically harm us?”
“Can she make life miserable for us?”
“Blanche, she can do all those things.”
“I know it, I know it.”
-Blanche and Rose
They say an emotional goodbye to each other. Sophia soon joins them, and Rose asks for advice on being the household matriarch before she moves in with Kirsten.
“So, you wanna be a Sophia. Okay. Lesson one: Criticism. I think it makes adult children stronger. It also makes them self-conscious, which I think is funnier.”
Rose doesn’t think it’s quite her style, and also worries that she won’t be needed in Kirsten. Blanche tells her she should stay right here with her in Miami. Sophia reminds them that they’re family. Finally feeling a little better, Rose and Blanche go to sleep, while Sophia sighs about having to leave them.
The next morning, everyone looks insanely early ’90s and are ready to go.
“To tell you the truth, I was hoping you’d use my wedding dress.”
“That’s nice, Ma. As what, a hand puppet?”
-Sophia and Dorothy
A limousine comes for Dorothy, which she assumes is from Lucas. In the limo, though, the driver starts heading the wrong way, and soon reveals his identity: it’s Stan. Dorothy is furious. Stan has concerns.
“You’re getting married and you couldn’t send an invitation to Stanley Zbornak, the man who gave you his name?”
“I’m sorry, the list was alphabetical. The Zionists aren’t speaking to me, either.”
-Stan and Dorothy
Stan tells her he’s not kidnapping her; he’s going to get her to the church in plenty of time. He just wants one last moment to give her his blessing. She tells him she hasn’t wanted to deal with him because things have been so good with Lucas, but that Stan will always be part of her. She thanks him for this gesture, and he gets her to the church.
Stan sneaks in the back as the wedding proceeds, but doesn’t cause any disturbances. The wedding goes perfectly.
Back at home, Dorothy finishes packing, and Sophia comes in to tell her she’s not going to Atlanta. She’s staying with Rose and Blanche, and she’s letting Dorothy live her new, married life as an adult.
In the living room, Blanche and Rose make sure that Lucas is all packed, too. He takes the final bags to the car.
High points: The fake relationship, the wedding, Sophia’s Sophia-ing lessons, Stan’s graceful withdrawal from Dorothy’s romantic life, and, of course, sticking it to Kirsten one last time.
Things that don’t age well: Why were the 80s/early 90s SUCH a bad time for fashion?
MVP: Dorothy, for getting the happy ending she deserves.
The verdict: I’m a sap for this ending. It might not be terribly realistic, and it might be weird to suddenly have someone sweep in and marry Dorothy out of nowhere, but I don’t care. It’s a celebration of the Girls and their remarkable friendship.