“Hell, at my age, you can’t take lunch for granted. I had a tuna fish sandwich. It was beautiful.”
At the hospital, the Girls are told that they can’t see Rose while she’s in pre-op, since they’re not technically family, but they’ve contacted her daughter, which is a TERRIBLE IDEA. TERRIBLE.
“Look, you have never met this woman’s family. They live in a place called St. Olaf. They fight over whether it’s macaroni and cheese or cheese and macaroni. They have given cows the right to vote. A magician once pulled a rabbit out of a hat, they burned him as a witch.”
The staff won’t budge, even though Kirsten is an hour away and is also the worst. Time passes. Finally, Kirsten is on her way. The three Girls reminisce, and end up singing a beer jingle, which is actually really sweet and touching, but then KIRSTEN shows up and she’s all “ooh, so nice to see you all having a great time while my mother is dying” like she even knows them. Like she even knows them! And then she won’t even let them come with her to find out what’s going on. Didn’t I tell you she’s the worst? She really is the worst, I don’t even care if she’s upset.
The Girls talk about all the ways Rose has embraced life. They sing a song that Rose wrote for a Mary Had A Little Lamb play in which Dorothy played the wolf, which seems like a pretty darn good tribute to me, but Kirsten hears again, and she’s even more rude and upset as she waits for a doctor to come talk to her. She starts pointing fingers.
“Ever since she moved in with you guys, I don’t understand what her life is like anymore. She’s always out with the girls, and there’s always these weird things. Like, one time I pulled into your driveway, and you were dressed in a petticoat, you were dressed like a lamb, and you were both getting in the car with a big, scary dog.”
-Kirsten and Dorothy
She thinks all the fun Rose is having is killing her. Sophia is the calm voice of reason, believe it or not, and assures Kirsten that they all love her like a family. Kirsten says they’re not her family, and Dorothy tells her that’s not true. The doctor comes out and tells them Rose needs a triple bypass, and Kirsten refuses to let the Girls see her before surgery.
Rose is sedated when Kirsten goes to see her, and still looks better than I look without makeup in the morning.
“Kirsten, where are the girls?”
“Oh, they’re too young to come to the hospital.”
“Not your girls, my girls. My girls aren’t too young for anything.”
-Rose and Kirsten
Rose makes Kirsten promise she’ll look after Dorothy, Blanche, and Sophia if something goes wrong. They don’t need her, though. Nobody needs you, Kirsten. Nobody.
Rose gets goofy as the anesthesia kicks in, and talks about freezing heads before saying goodbye to Kirsten.
More time passes, and the Girls wait.
“My heinie’s asleep.”
“Fine, we’ll keep our voices down.”
“It’s a beautiful thing you two have together.”
-Sophia, Dorothy, and Blanche
Blanche is terrified that she might not get to say goodbye to Rose, but Sophia is sure she’ll pull through. Janet and Sarah show up at the hospital, and Janet seems positively great in comparison with certain other daughters. Later, Kirsten shows up again; Rose is out of surgery, but the next few hours are crucial, and Rose may need a lot of recovery that her insurance doesn’t cover. Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia tell Kirsten that they’ll take care of it, that they’ve always been ready to have something like that. Kirsten finally understands that Rose is lucky to have them. That’s right, Kirsten. That’s right.
“Sometimes, mothers and daughters drift apart. Dorothy and I did.”
“I put her away.”
“She sure did.”
-Sophia and Dorothy
Finally, Kirsten goes to talk to the doctors about letting the Girls see her. They do.
“Oh, God, Dorothy, look at her.”
“It’s the surgery. Nobody looks good after surgery.”
“Tell that to Cher.”
-Blanche, Dorothy, and Sophia
Rose is completely unconscious, and has a dream.
Finally, Rose wakes up. Later, the Girls have a welcome home party for Rose, and we never have to see Kirsten again. Ever!
High points: The heads dream, the Girls establishing themselves as the superior branch of Rose’s family, and, of course, Rose coming home safely.
Things that don’t age well: I don’t think I have to say it.
MVP: Sophia, who is a wise and knowledgeable presence throughout this episode.
The verdict: I hate Kirsten, but she serves as the perfect foil to the Girls here, and the Girls come out better than ever. BOOM!